by Michael Midwood
Congratulations! If you’ve received this brochure, you are part of a very lucky group of individuals who have been selected for a some expenses paid vacation to the United States Nuclear Testing Resort in sunny Mercury, Nevada. Not only does the Federal Civil Defense Administration (FCDA) wish to extend this opportunity, but you, among others, have been chosen to participate in an extremely exclusive special event occurring at the resort during your stay. We’re referring to this incredible experience as “The Shot.” Disney World’s Epcot Center can’t hope to compete with this fireworks display.
You and a select group of your fellow Americans will be part of an elite corps known as “The Desert Rats.” Don’t let the name fool you; only the most deserving of patriots are allowed access to this unique package. In addition to resort staff, there will be thousands of observers and media representatives present at the time of “The Shot.” Becoming a public figure and vacationing at the same time? What a wonderful opportunity!
Within this brochure we have outlined everything you’ll need to know in order to get the most enjoyable and productive vacation possible. Included are detailed explanations of what will be provided by the resort, recommendations for what you should bring along, recreational opportunities, and the Deluxe “Desert Rat” Package. If you consider yourself a true American who values his freedom and the freedom of his countrymen, there is simply no excuse for denying yourself this once in a lifetime opportunity. It’s practically your duty as a citizen.
Arrival: All individuals will have access to FCDA transportation from our headquarters in Las Vegas. Our high quality shuttles will be available for all participants. You may, of course, arrive by car in Mercury directly if you choose to do so.
Amenities: Everything at the Nuclear Testing Resort is designed to promote the comfort and happiness of our attendees while they participate in the scheduled1 events we have planned. Sleeping arrangements are separated by gender. Men will be provided with spacious hutments while women will have the luxury of open-plan house trailers immediately neighboring their sanitary facilities. These wonderfully rustic abodes will provide visitors with an authentic Nevada desert experience. With this desired effect in mind, we’ve done everything we could to enhance it; from the removal of air conditioning and heating, to the communal showers and lavatories, to the roomy twin beds. After a fiery day in the Nevada sunshine, the sometimes sub-zero temperatures will allow you to chill out in the desert night.
Provisions: Upon arrival at the resort, all “Desert Rats” will be given a stylish outfit intended to make their elite status instantly recognizable. This ensemble will consist of one size fits all J.C Penney coveralls, and a helmet as fashionable as it is functional. Not only will you look great in these, but they will serve a multitude of purposes throughout your stay2. In order to make your incredible experience financially feasible, we’ve left it up to you, the participant, to bring along anything else you may need. We recommend the following:
At least five changes of clothes to compliment your vacation wardrobe.
Soap and shampoo go great with our running water.
Money to spend at our “Post Exchange” Gift Shop.
Coppertone to beautifully bronze your skin.
A dependable writing utensil.
A notebook to take notes regarding our terrific events.
A flashlight for late-night vision assistance.
There’s always a good time to be had at the United States Nuclear Testing Resort. Not even including “The Shot,” we will make sure that your stay produces memories3 of our many unforgettable events, such as:
Tours of the entire site, including the Test Structures and Firing Area
Meet and Greets with operation directors
Discussion of Data
Wow! Hard to believe you’ll be able to fit all of this into just one week, but our helpful and demanding staff will see to it that you attend each and every event without fail. They’re well trained. It’s their jobs. And if you somehow have time to spare, all that separates you from the nightlife of Las Vegas is a sixty-five mile trek through the Nevada desert. Talk about a prime location for a good time!
THE DESERT RATS
At this point, you’re probably bursting at the seams with excitement. Just wait until you hear about what’s included in your premium “Desert Rats” package. Prior to “The Shot” you will have the opportunity7 to explore the buildings placed strategically so that you may study the effects of a nuclear explosion8. These structures are replicas of the ACTUAL homes of ACTUAL families that may, one day, be faced with the reality of an ACTUAL atomic catastrophe.
You will, of course, be allowed9 to view “The Shot.” With a brilliant10 view of the action, this will be an experience you will tell your children11 and grandchildren about ages down the road. Not many people have/will ever get to see the detonation of a nuclear warhead12, and anybody who has/will probably isn’t/won’t be around for long enough afterward to recount their story13. You have access to something truly extraordinary here.
After “The Shot” it will be your pleasure14 to return to the test structures and record information regarding damage and radiological effects. Ever wanted to see a building that has been ravaged by the God-like power of human science? Well, this is your chance! Once you’ve basked in the ionized glow of the blast radius, you’ll never want to leave.
A Note Before Leaving
But, unfortunately, you’ll eventually have to. After the test explosion, it is possible that you will experience pressure from the media to reveal what you’ve seen at the resort. While we assume that you would never give those pinko-apologists anything to write about, remember that all information regarding your vacation is top secret. Please also remember that by agreeing to participate in our exciting activities, you have acknowledged that the FCDA is in no way responsible for any injury or illness incurred by participants. Assuming you do not fall out of our graces, we’d love to have you back in Mercury, Nevada during the future testing of even more awesome weaponry15.
See you in Nevada! We know you’ll have a blast!